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Drunk Dial 1/2

Title: Drunk Dial (Part 1 of 2)
Author: startraveller (aka startraveller776 at ff.net, aka ME)
Characters/Pairings: Jareth/Sarah
Disclaimer: I have no claims to anything recognizable in this story. I borrowed the ingredients from people more brilliant than I, threw in some of my own wacky imagination, let it simmer for days, and this is what came out. No copyright harm is intended.
Rating: PG-13 (for some language)
Genre: Humor/Romance
Summary: Five times Sarah drunk-called the Goblin King. One time he sobered her up.

A/N: This was originally a 100 themes story, the prompt: “Drink.” But it grew into something bigger, and I thought maybe it was worthy of being its own stand-alone. Being the doubtful writer I am (deep down, I believe everything I write is tripe), I had my buddy, c_u_kid (who is one of the BESTEST WRITERS EVER—who I bow to and wish I could write like), look it over. She gave her stamp of approval. It’s a little lengthy, so I broke it up into a two-shot. (Oh, the pun! The pun!!)

Also, this has been a meme in the Trek fandom: “Five times… One time…” I’m bringing it to the Labyrinth Fandom, because I’m an unapologetic thief. Enjoy!


This was how it happened: I got drunk. (Isn’t that how all these stories start?) I’d been to parties in high school, sipped a little wine cooler with that I’m-so-naughty-because-I’m-underaged-drinking thrill fluttering in my chest. But I had never gotten smashed before my freshman year of college.

My roommates were to blame. They introduced me to the drinking game Never Have I Ever and a bottle of tequila. Next thing I knew, I was having a quasi-out-of-body experience where my mouth and my brain suffered a major disconnect. I was in a warm, giggly, peaceful place when we got to talking about our exes. Male bashing with drunk chicks. It was awesome.

The only problem was I didn’t have a great ex story. My mouth decided to talk about the Goblin King, instead. Fortunately, I was still lucid enough to know I shouldn’t share every detail of my encounter with Jareth.

“He tried to pretend he was all generous and stuff. It was all bullshit,” I said, slurring a little, at the end of my very abridged version of events. “I kicked his ass to the curb in the end.”

The girls laughed. Mandy filled my shot glass again. “Did you give him the full ‘you’re an asshole’ speech?”

I shrugged, downing the tequila. “I told him he had no power over me.”

Jessica pumped her fist in the air. “Damn straight! Girl power!”

“But you gotta have closure. Did you get that?” Mandy asked.

I frowned—thinking in this state took serious work. Did I get closure? Sure, I had said The Right Words to beat him at his game. But I hadn’t told him what I thought about his “generosity.” I shook my head. “I don’t know.”

Mandy handed me the phone. “Well, here’s your chance.”

Oh, crap. I was caught. I couldn’t call the Goblin King on the phone. Could I? “It’s kind of private.”

Jessica clumsily wrapped her arm around me. “We’re here for moral support. So you don’t chicken out.”

Mandy nodded, patting my leg. “Yeah, he needs to know what he did to you.”

The teeny tiny part of me still capable of rational thought flashed warning signals. Unfortunately, that bit of reason was drowned out by the liquid-happy rest of me who thought it was a brilliant idea to tell the Goblin King off. I pretended to dial a number while I whispered, “I wish the Goblin King would talk to me on the phone, right now.”

I pressed the receiver against my ear. “Hello?”

For a heartbeat there was nothing on the other end, and then, “Well, this is interesting. Hello, Sarah.” His voice, burned into my memory, made me shiver.

“Yeah, well, we need to talk,” I said, screwing up my courage.

“About what, precisely?” I imagined him smirking. Bastard.

“About how you treated me when…” I glanced at my girlfriends. Jessica gave me a thumbs-up.

“When you ran my Labyrinth,” he finished for me. “And what, pray tell, are your complaints?”

“You weren’t nice,” I answered. “In fact, you were a real jerk.”

Jessica squeezed my shoulder. “You tell him!”

“Was I?” Jareth sounded bored.

I opened my mouth several times, but couldn’t make myself lay out everything the Goblin King had done—not in front of my girlfriends. “You know what you did!”

“Hm. Let’s see,” Jareth replied—still smirking in my mind’s eye, “I believe I came when you called, took your brother when you asked, offered you the opportunity to win him back when you reneged on your wish, and gave you an adventure worthy of the storybooks. Yes, exactly what a—what did you call it?—jerk would do.”

I huffed. “You cheated!”

Mandy gasped next to me. “Asshole!”

“What rules did I break, exactly?” I swore he was juggling a crystal.

“You stole my time!” I gripped the phone so tight my hand was going numb.

Jessica pumped her fist in the air again. “Yeah, don’t waste another minute on that douchebag, honey!”

I rolled on. “And you sent…bad stuff after me.”

“Go on.” Jareth was totally calm. Ugh!

“And…and you trapped me in a dark place.” It was getting hard to be creative about this conversation when I had eavesdroppers. “And that damn drugged peach.”

“Oh, my God! He drugged you?!” Mandy exclaimed.

“Let’s not forget, I sent my army of bumbling goblins after you as well,” Jareth interjected on the other end of the phone, “and trapped your brother in a maze of stairs—and my personal favorite, threw a snake at you. Any further grievances you wish to air before the crown?”

I gave the phone a dirty look. “You’re not even sorry!”

“Why should I regret any of it?” He laughed. He actually laughed. “It was the greatest entertainment I’d had in decades. I was merely performing my duties as Goblin King. Perhaps, when you’re sober and when you’ve matured, we will discuss your own cruelty. Until then, I thank you for an amusing conversation.” The dial tone blared in my ear.

My mouth hung agape. “He…he hung up on me.”

“Good riddance!” Jessie yelled.

Mandy filled our shot glasses and lifted hers. “To getting rid of the assholes of the world. Who needs ‘em?”

I tossed back the burning liquid. The next morning, Jareth’s parting words stuck with me. When you’ve matured, we will discuss your own cruelty.


The next time I got hammered I was of actual legal drinking age. Graduation should have been a happy day, but right after getting my diploma, my college sweetheart said, “I think we should break up.” I’d thought we were headed toward marriage.

At the party, if it had alcohol in it, I was drinking it—the higher proof, the better. By the time I found a secluded corner on the back patio, I had a half-empty bottle of vodka. I probably rehashed the break-up conversation a dozen times, tears streaming down my face. Rick had said I was too aloof. He said he didn’t feel needed. He questioned if I ever really loved him.

I had stuck with the guy for three years, how could he doubt my love?

Your eyes can be so cruel.

I took another swig from the bottle, wincing at the burn. I hated vodka. “Fine, Goblin King,” I muttered, picking up the cordless phone. I didn’t remember bringing it out with me, but there it was, and I was too drunk to question it.

I looked around to make sure no one was near and whispered, “I wish the Goblin King would talk to me on the phone, right now.”

There was a burst of static before his rich baritone came on the other end. “And so we speak again, Sarah. To what do I owe the pleasure of this inebriated call?”

I glared at the phone. “What makes you think I’m drunk?”

“Do you deny it?” I pictured him raising a brow.

I glared harder. “No.”

“You do look so pretty when you scowl.”

I nearly dropped the receiver. “Wh—what? You can see me?”

“Of course.” He was smirking. He had to be smirking, the villainous bastard.

I stuck out my tongue. “Pervy jerk!”

His laughter vibrated against my ear. “Hardly. Now, what was it you wished to discuss while you’re in no state to have a rational conversation?”

“I want to know why you think I’m cruel.” My voice cracked a little, and a fresh wave of tears threatened in my eyes.

There was a long pause on the other end, and if I hadn’t heard his sigh, I would have thought he'd hung up on me again.

“I seem to recall offering to have this conversation when you were both sober and mature. You are neither.” He paused again, his voice quieter as he went on, “And you are not truly interested in why I think you to be cruel. You want answers for your recent heartache—a heartache which has nothing to do with me.”

A little sob burst from me. “How did you know?”

“I’m a pervy jerk.”

I laughed in spite of my tears. “Yes, you are.”

“Sarah! There you are!” Mandy came rushing toward me with Jessica in tow.

“Oh, my God,” Jessica said as she picked up my bottle. “Tell me you did not drink this by yourself.”

I wiped my eyes and gestured toward the phone. “I had a drinking buddy.”

There was a throaty chuckle on the other end of the receiver. “Is that what I am?”

Mandy narrowed her eyes. “Who’s that?”

“Nobody.” I clutched the phone closer. “Just a friend.”

“Hm. I rather like that,” Jareth said. “Does being your friend come with benefits?”

“No!” I hissed. “You really are a pervert!”

Mandy snatched the phone. “You are not talking to him, are you? Not the cheater who drugged you?!”

I managed a meek shrug. “Maybe.”

“Sarah!” Jessica shook her head.

Mandy brought the phone to her ear and, before I could stop her, started shouting at Jareth, “I don’t know who you think you are, buddy! But you can’t just swoop in when Sarah’s heartbroken and take advantage of her. Back off!”

She paused, listening for a moment. “Fine.” She handed the phone back to me.

I cringed as I brought it to my ear. It was one thing for me to mouth off to the Goblin King—he had no power over me—but entirely another for my friend to do it.

“Women are such screechy creatures,” he said, the smirk evident in his voice.

I snickered a little. “You’re not mad?”

“Why should I be angry? You mortals have a saying I am quite fond of: ‘Don’t get mad, get even.’”

I gripped the phone. “No.”

“Yes, I believe I’ll send your friend a gift.”

“No, you wouldn’t!”

Jessica and Mandy stared at me.

“Wouldn’t I?” I could hear his predatory grin. “As always, it’s been entertaining.”

“No, wait!” I glanced back at my friends, both of whom had their arms crossed. I turned away and whispered, “Thank you for talking with me.”

“I was bored and you amuse me,” he said in a nonchalant tone. After a heartbeat, he added, “Richard was correct, however.”

My heart lurched in my chest. I held my breath as I waited for him to go on.

“You never loved him—not as he deserved. Until your next drunken call, Sarah.” The phone went dead.

I started crying again, this time because the Goblin King was right. I was cruel.


I wasn’t fully drunk the next time I called on the king of the goblins—merely in a warm, relaxed state. I sat in a bar, nursing a beer—my third. Tonight was supposed to be girl’s night out, but both Jessica and Mandy had bailed. Jessica’s two-year-old was sick, and Mandy’s fiancé surprised her by coming home a day early from his business trip.

Happy birthday to me.

I sighed. I knew I should go home, the girls and I would celebrate another night, but I was feeling a little blah despite the cheerful atmosphere of the bar. After my fourth beer, I decided I needed my drinking buddy.

I flipped open my cell phone, hoping he’d answer even though it had been a few years since my last call. “I wish the Goblin King—”

The phone was ripped from my hand. I spun, ready to verbally ream whoever had grabbed it, but the angry words died on my lips.

“I thought we’d have our drunken encounter face-to-face this time.”

I squinted at the man before me. He was the Goblin King, and yet, he wasn’t. He looked like a mortal man with shorter, messy blond hair and normal clothes. He leaned against the bar, smirking as he tossed my phone back to me.

“Hello, Your Majesty.” I patted the seat next to mine. “Care to join me?”

He shrugged. “Why not? I’ve nothing pressing at the moment.”

As he climbed onto the stool, I waved over the bartender. “Four beers for my friend, here—he’s got to catch up.” I eyed the Goblin King. “Make that the best import you’ve got.”

Jareth gave me a half-smile. “So, we’re both to be inebriated, then.” At my nod, he said, “I should warn you, I hold my liquor well.”

I grinned. “I don’t.” Logic said I shouldn’t trust myself to get loaded in the presence of the Goblin King, but in my gut, I knew I was safe.

“As I am well aware.” He picked up one of the beers the bartender set in front of him and held it up. “To old enemies and new friends.”

I tapped my bottle to his. “Here, here, Goblin King.” I only took a sip from mine, but he drank deeply, finishing half his first beer in one gulp.

“What is inspiring this…bender?” He asked before taking another long draft. “Am I to suffer another round of screeching accusations?”

I chuckled. “Next time. Tonight, it’s the birthday blues.” I cupped my hands around my bottle, turning away from his piercing gaze. “Maybe a little loneliness, too.”

“And where are your friends? I should think they would be better companions than your former adversary.”

“You’re my friend.” I almost nudged him with my elbow, but stopped. Suddenly, everything felt awkward. I covered it by taking another sip of my beer. “Oh, by the way, Mandy loved your little gift. Every woman appreciates it when a red sock gets washed with her whites.”

Jareth smirked. “No one insults the crown without repercussions.”

“Except me.” The words were out of my mouth before I could think better of them. A blush rose to my cheeks.

Jareth tilted his head, studying me. “Indeed.”

I squirmed a little under his scrutiny. “So,” I said, scrambling to find something to break this uncomfortable tension, “how’s the, uh, Labyrinth?”

He raised a brow, his lips curving into a tiny smile. “Ever the same ‘piece of cake’ you remember.”

I winced. “I guess I didn’t always get away with insulting the crown.”

Jareth threw back his head and laughed.

A couple hours later, we graduated to boilermakers, then moved onto straight shots of tequila. I was pretty sure it was me who suggested we play Truth or Dare.

“Your turn,” Jareth said across from me. We were seated to a small table near the back, a dozen shot glasses before us—some full, more empty.

I looked up, trying to decide if I was courageous enough to ask for another dare. The last one—well, the Goblin King could be creative.
I was gutless. “Truth.”

He rested his chin in his hand, narrowing his eyes. “Why do you only call on me when you’re, well…” He waved a hand toward me.

My smile dipped. The question hung in the air, bringing back the earlier awkwardness. Beneath my alcohol haze, there was an answer—one I wasn’t ready to acknowledge. I threw back a shot, gasping at the burn.

Jareth raised a brow. “Interesting.”

“You go.” My stomach roiled a little—a warning I was reaching my limit.

He crossed his arms over his chest. “Dare.”

I was grateful for the out he was offering. “All right,” I said, remembering how he sang to me twice during my run of the Labyrinth. “I dare you to go to the jukebox, put it on random, then stand on the table and sing along with whatever song comes up—loud enough for everyone to hear.”

“I don’t think I’ve consumed near enough spirits for that.” He frowned, picking up a glass.

“What? Is the mighty Goblin King too chicken for my little ol’ dare?” I flashed him a wide grin.

“I’m unfamiliar with most mortal music.”

I shrugged. “Make up the lyrics, then.”

He shook his head, bringing his glass to his lips.

“Chicken!” I made wings with my arms and started flapping. “Bwak, bwak, bwak!”

“Enough!” He sighed, rolling his eyes heavenward before standing up. “Let it never be said that Jareth, dashing Ruler of the Underground, backed down from a challenge—no matter how ridiculous.”

I clapped as he went to the jukebox. After a moment, a raspy rock voice bellowed, “Step inside, walk this way. You and me, babe. Hey! Hey!” Recognizing the song, I laughed as Jareth made his way back to me during the opening guitar riff.

“You owe me,” he murmured against my ear before leaping on the table with the grace of a cat. A few heads turned at the clinking glasses. More heads turned when he started singing.

“Love is like a bomb, c’mon baby, get it on…”

I gave him an incredulous look. “You know the words, you cheater!”

He winked at me as he kept singing. He put on a show, gyrating his hips, holding his fist up to his mouth as if he had a microphone. By the time he hit the refrain, other people in the bar were whooping, dancing. I laughed so hard, I almost fell out of my chair.

At the second verse, he jumped of the table and danced toward the bar. Not a single person was sitting down. I pumped my fist in the air and screamed with the rest of the women as Jareth climbed onto the bar.

“Pour some sugar on me,” he sang, sliding his hand down his side. He was nearly drowned out by everyone else singing the chorus with him—even the bartenders. I joined in, too. I couldn’t remember when I had this much fun.

He scanned the crowd until his eyes met mine. Pointing, he belted, “You got the peaches, I got the cream…”

I stopped dancing. He smirked before turning his attention back to the others. That smug bastard! I shook my head and laughed. Either he had more cajones than any man in existence, or he had a fantastic sense of irony. Probably both.

He finished the song with the requisite kneeling slide across the bar—without knocking over any glasses or bottles, amazingly. The crowd went wild. He bowed before hopping down and heading toward me.

I clapped. “Nicely done, Goblin King.”

“All in a day’s work,” he said, giving me his half-smile.

“You cheated.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he was wily.

His grin broadened. “I merely encouraged the contraption to randomly select the very song I wanted. You said nothing about magic.”

I rolled my eyes. “If there’s a loophole, the Goblin King will find it.”

I tried to walk back to my seat, but my legs got tangled. Jareth wrapped an arm around me before I could do a face-plant. I leaned against him for support, my head falling into the hollow of his neck. He grew very still, rigid as if every muscle in his body went taut at once.

Even in my inebriated state, I felt a sudden shift between us. I backed away, mumbling an apology. His expression was unreadable.

“I…I should go,” I said, my heart fluttering nervously.

He nodded. “Close your eyes.”

I opened my mouth to question, but he stared me down. As my eyelids fell shut, my skin tingled. The sensation was brief. I waited several breaths before opening them again. I was in my living room. Jareth was nowhere in sight. It figured. He never said a proper goodbye in every encounter we’d had before. Why should he start now?

I stumbled to my bedroom, refusing to think about what it felt like to be in his arms for that brief moment.


End note: Yes, I had Jareth singing again. I apologize. But I couldn't resist the image of David Bowie singing Def Leppard's "Pour Some Sugar on Me." Please forgive me.


Forgiveness freely given! This is developing nicely and I look forward to Part 2!
Thank you! I hope you enjoy the second part. XD (It's up!)
Very entertaining - thank you for sharing. : )

Off to read part 2!
Thank you! XD
"Five Things" fics are a thing in every fandom. :-p

Drunk dialing Jareth? Oh my no. He's already a clever git; Sarah's going to fail utterly if she's drunk!

I huffed. “You cheated!”

Mandy gasped next to me. “Asshole!”

*Dying already*

These drunk calls are like the highlight of Jareth's week, aren't they?
Oh, I believe the 5 things meme is prevalent everywhere...I just hadn't come across it in the Labyrinth fandom yet. It's huge in the Trek fandom.

Yes, Sarah really shouldn't be in an altered state when dealing with the Goblin King, but copious amounts of alcohol tend to take away any semblance of reason. LOL I'm sure it's quite entertaining for him, though.

Glad it made you laugh! XD